Friday, May 21, 2010

In honor of my uterus

I really felt drawn to share in this moment. Some of you will understand and some of you might not, but that is okay.

I just got my period. A couple of hours ago. For the first time in three years. I feel overwhelmingly sad and sweet and gentle and womanly about it.

This is the very last time I ever get to get my period back for the first time. My womb, that has held five babies in it, is going to be forever empty.

It brought me into my womanhood at the tender age of twelve, when I was walking home from school on a spring afternoon. I felt a small trickle, and it quickly turned into a flood. I was so excited and spent many a day just waiting to change my pad! I was laid low by fierce cramps at times, and even stayed home from school when my mom would let me.

I carried my first daughter in my womb for almost ten months. It didn't ever fail me, even when my birth attendants did. It was my uterus that saved the day, in spite of bright lights and medications and people who didn't believe in me.

And it didn't fail to hold my husbands seed (that is sperm ladies *I am waxing poetic here*)when it realized that I needed my second daughter in my life, long before I did. It held her in tightly and kept her safe while I was scared and all alone. But I found a home in my home and pushed her out, so sweetly, and learned about the fetal ejection reflex and posterior presentation.

And again, it was there for me with my third daughter. It held her in safe and sound when I was puking my guts out. It got her out when I felt I couldn't. Because it knew the way. It was very well used by her.

And I bled after four months with each child. No matter how many I was nursing.

But then I let out three eggs. And each became a child. And then three became two, and they decided to stay with me. And my uterus protected them. And stretched with them. And housed my placenta's that nourished them.

And then it let me have my sweet babies. After fourty weeks. And I didn't bleed at all.

And now, TWO years later, I haven't bled for three years. Until today. My husband holds me and let's me cry that I can't have anymore babies. We made the choice together not to. I get too sick. I understand it. But it is so bittersweet to know that I will bleed every month and carry no more babies in my belly. It is really really sad and....quiet.

I am a mother. I am a doula. I am a (almost) midwife. And this is a new journey for me. Please think of me as I go into a place in my life where I don't have a tiny one.

I really wish I had my red tent tonight.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Our children learn from us

Morning time.

Mooooooooooooooooom? Mama? MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMoooooooooooooooom! MOM!

SHE WON'T HELP ME MAKE THE BED!!!!! I HAVE TO DO IT ALL BY MYSELF!!! SHE HAS TO CLEAN THE LIVINGROOM!!! Yes you do have to clean the livingroom, you wouldn't help me with our room and I am NOT DOING BOTH!! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM...she says she doesn't have to do it and you have to tell her she does becauseIamnotdoingitIalreadycleanedourroomandsheislazyand notdoinganything!!!!


Why aren't you answering me?????MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mama. Mom, answer me. Tell her she has to clean the livingroom.

She called me a butthole.

No school today. Oh joy.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The day of the midwife is tomorrow

I gave birth to my babies at home in the water. In honor of my midwife, I thought that I would share some of my story by taking sentences from the birth as I wrote it. Thank you, my most sweet and dear friend. It is an honor to have you in my life. I know you will never see this though, because you hate the Internet.

~There were three heartbeats in my body, all beating in our own rhythm.

~I had talked with my midwife and we agreed that however they decided to come out was fine with us.

~I felt so strongly that the intensity was an integral part of birth.

~There are many women in my village, and I am so blessed to have them.

~And then, with my hand over my head, I gently pushed him out into the water.

~My body didn't hurt, I wasn't bleeding and I was still pregnant!

~I am so happy that I had that time to rest between babies.

~It was the most intense contraction I have ever felt in my life, and then she was there.

~They were born an hour and a half apart.

~Two babies, two should work out! And it did.

~We lay there, the three of us. A journey completed.

~Two babies, one womb. I am so blessed.

Thank you, my midwife, for trusting in women and their babies. It changes the world.